This is crazy and unacceptable! I dreamt of someone last night. Someone who should not have affected me in term of EVERYTHING. Like literally everything. But the fact im facing this morning is saying otherwise. Here i am sitting while kind of confuse why did i dream of him last night. Because clearly i had not thought anything abt him before i slept. In fact i hadnt thought of him for quite good time but suddenly he decided to appear in my dream and the sad part is even in my dream he choose to ignore me like what he has done in real life since last year. Sigh.
This is quite frustating. Im over him. Nothing left between us (it’s not we have anything to begin with) but really if he decides to ignore me cant he do that only in real life? No need to do that in my dream. It makes me feel beyond miserable bcs honestly at the moment i really pity myself.
Lately i’ve been feeling insecure and unsure about my life, about how i choose to deal with the path i decided to take after my failure last feb. I admit that the decision i took that month was kinda extreme. I retired from my job and stopped being private tutor for high school student bcs i felt that those thing were not for me. As for my job there’s one spesific reason that i’ve never told my parents only my close friends know the real reason. I kinda feel guilty about this. But you know there’s always thing that better left unsaid. And for the private tutor thing, i’ve always known that my passion in teaching is not that big if not almost zero. I dont know why i am like this. My father is a lecture and i know that teacher is such honorable job. But the problem is just there, my passion is not teaching.
After i decided to quit, some times between the months i regreted my decision. It was stupid, unplanned, n extremely childish i thought. I didnt think much that time and it resulted my jobless status. How cool right? I always told myself it’s not about money so it’s okay. But true it’s not about money but it has always been about my self esteem. How do you think i feel waking up every morning to only realize i have nothing waiting for me everyday? How do you think i feel when i absolutely have notjing to do when my friends are busy complaining about their work life? How do you think i feel when time for bed comes i realize that i feel tired bcs i did nothing the entire day? Only one word can describe it. HORRIBLE. That’s how i regereted what i had done.
It’s ironic how one decision can affect so many things in your life. But thats how life works. Either we accept and deal with it or keep blaming life for the misfortune we get bcs of our own deed.
But you see today while sitting in front of heart polly of general hospital in my city i realized that i’m thankful for what i decided few months back. I’m here aitting waiting for my mom doing her monthly check up. Tbh it’s not monthly check up, it’s a sudden visit to the hospital bcs sometjing in her stomach and chest, i think, that are in pain. I’m very grateful bcs if i had not choosed to quit the job i wouldnt be here to accompany my mom. And if i wasnt here who will accompany her? No one at home can do this except me. This realization really wash all.my worries abt the path i have choosed. This second i can proudly say i did make the right decision. Sure it takes some sacrifices which by the way are not cheap but im glad i choose this way. Nothing can compensate time i get with my mom esp when she really needs me.
I may not be the most thankful person in the world but today i feel reallu thankful to god for what he has given to me. Seeing my mom gets better everyday is one bless that i would never want to exchange with anything.
And today i also realize something bad is not always bad. It depends on how you see it. When we can see something good within the bad, no mattet how small that good is there’s always the difference that it can make.