Where am i supposed to be?

Today is my cousin’ wedding. I hv been here in lotim since yesterday, Family suppose to support each other thats why. When we arrived in lotim we went straight to his house bcs mom couldnt handle longer trip, she stayed there but i, my lil sis n bro, n dad had decided  to stay over at dad’ family’ house in salut. Glad we chose to stay in salut bcs this morning when we met mom, mom told us she couldnt sleep at all last night, too noisy, to many activities done by maybe almost the entire family. I feel so sorry to mom bcs all she needs is only enough rest after such travle for her. But at the same time i cant blame anyone since we have always known this kind of situation is bound to happen no mattet what.

I arrived at around 8 am this morning. And since my aunt is kinda a country-type person she did all things by herself including cooking the dishes for the party celebration. So as a kind hearted human being ofc i lend my hand to help. All family members work together to help her preparing the ceremony.

And thats when somehow i really really realize that i dont really enjoy surrounded by my own family. I feel like an outsider. I barely meet them in fact this is my first visit since last year. It has always been like this. I went to lotim only couple of times when i was a kid. But thats a quite good record since when i am growing older my visit is getting lesser each year. Maybe thats when all of this started. We are growing apart n seems like not any of us are willing to pull any effort to fix this. Maybe i am right but maybe i am wrong. I dont know.
When i sit with them i felt like i am invisible to them. I dont know what they were talking about n they also talked like i wasnt with them. When some other cousins of mine came, this idk-who-is-her-name-aunt definitely treat her differently from me. Maybe she is her fav idek. It’s not like i care if people like me or not but it’s the way she had treat me. Hadnt she side eying me when i said idk when i answer her question, i will definitely not give any shit. I am not really sure what she asked me about, i think it’s about family matters. Idk man she asked me with our local language which sadly im not really fluent with. Yeah maybe thats why, she might think im rude or i dont respect families member as much as i should. Idk.

Maybe thats only my imagination but at the same time those things felt so real. And this kind of thing doesnt happen only once. Whenever i m with them i always want to run away. And to be honest this is why i ve never really expected any form of family gatherings. They are always like this.

I dont know i really really dont know. The right thing to do must be to try to fix this. And instead of waiting someone to change this for me maybe i should be the one to make the first move. But idk!! Maybe the real problem is really me? I feel like i dont care anymore
i dont feel like to fix it. I always like ‘i’ll be here for a couple of days/hours i can survive n i dont need to meet them for a long time’. I know that kind of thought is beyond wrong. But thats whats happening to me.

I may regret this bratty attitude of mine latter. Well idk. I just know that at the moment i feel like i dont belong to this circle, i am not supposed to be here.

As wrong as it sounds thats what i am feeling at the moment.


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