How

Idk what to feel. I should have been grateful for everything i have got. It’s wrong to be greedy it’s beyond wrong. I know. But only know doesnt make what i feel better.
It’s like not knowing how to be grateful. I do know but still T____T
I wish i had chance even only one more. I wish i didnt take this scholarship. I wish i tried harder last year. I wish i got it last year. I wish i could back off from this one. I wish i didnt have to pay the fine. I wish i liked this subject more. I wish everything could happen the way i want them to happen T____T
But no. Life doesnt work that way. I could have thousand if-s but those if-s are not going to change anything. I know.. But it still hurts. It hurts so bad that i dont even know how to let it out from my chest.
Tbh i dont know which one i regret more, the chance im not going to take (or im letting go?) or the fact that all of this happen bcs of my stupidity or the fact that i didnt try harder or the fact that im going to dissappoint some people who have been there supporting me from the beginning or the fact that i cant accept that this is happening to me.

I always wondering when we should let something go or when we have to try harder to chase it? Sometimes it just feels right to give it up but after some times i feel like i shouldnt have given up on it. So how? As for this moment it feels so wrong to give up when im sure im going to get it this time. What should i do? Bcs persuing it doesnt going to make anything easier and better. But im 100% sure with what i believe. Im going to get it but getting it will cause more trouble.

Maybe all i need is just embracing the fact that im not going to get it. Maybe it will make everything easier for me. Maybe.