What should be the appropriate title?

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just got back from uni and idk why, maybe it’s because of the silence that fills my boarding house or the rain poring down watering the earth, maybe it’s the combination of the silence and rain but i feel so lonely. yes i feel really really lonely realizing the fact that today is the last day of the year. all i wanna do is be home with my family, spending the night with them even if we do nothing. i just want to feel their presence. i wanna be at home badly. i never knew i could miss home badly like this 😦

and yes today is the last day of the year yet here i am sitting realizing that this year is the same as all those years before. i havent achieved and accomplished anything worthy to show to the world. it’s frustrating really.i dont understand what i have done throughout this year and be here today still with nothing in my hand. seems like i waste too many time for unimportant things  that i dont even know they are not worthy my time. wow.

and to be honest im scared for what new year will bring me. i have prepared nothing yet i still have to face everything, most of people seems excited to welcome 2014, but i am not. i dont feel like leaving this year yet. why cant it be prolonged even just for a day? i am not ready to face 2014 and i dont want this year end yet 😦

 

but we’re leaving 2013 and i can do nothing about it…..

 

hopefully everything i’ve planned for 2014 can run well especially coming home plane.

 

hopefully..

 

and even i dont want to but i have to….

 

Welcome 2014, i may not ready yet to meet you but i’ll definitely face you bravely 🙂

Shopping

So basically today, i spent the whole day for shopping wohooo~~ i wanted to gift myself since no one got me birthday present lol (it’s not like i hoped someone will do haha) so i went to malioboro with uyun after we had what we called ‘jogging’ at gsp lol bcs in reality all we did was walking a lil faster while we were gossipping chatting. It wasnt jogging ofc i know 😀 but the fact that i was willing to left my bed early in the morning is something that need to be apreciated if the jogging attempt failed to be one
Continue reading “Shopping”

I love you father

The first person who greeted me today is no other than my father. Idk why but i got so emotional after we end our phone conversation. Maybe it has to do with the fact that no one can loves you as much as your parents do and i feel kike i havent had any chance to return all their loves for me. I am such a bad daughter. I complain a lot about how demanding he has always been, being such ungrateful child. But no matter what happen he’s always there when no one else does. He’s the one who makes me who i am today. Bcs of all if his demands i can do what thought i couldnt do before. Thank you for being my father. Thank you for giving such abundant love that i can never return fully. I love you so much. And i am sorry i havent done anything worthy to make you proud of me. I’ll try harder for you i promise. I love you so much father.

Ps: i am legit crying while i am typing this. I am just soooo sad and happy at the same time and the tears are just keep falling.

Thank you so much for everything. Even i know i will never can thank you enough but thank you. I love you and forever will.

H-1 of the day and H-11 of exam

Went to uni with slightly better mood this morning therefore the physical chemistry’ class was quite okay meaning i kinda got what the the presentations were about (our class had been divided into 2 groups to present 2 different chapters, this morning was the others group’ turn, mine had finised the presentation last week) even though i havent fully grab all of the materials yet but i think i can catch up with the rest after reading our reference books.

In the afternoon i had another advanced inorganic chemistry class. The class has always been fun. I know i have mentioned it before that the lecture is awesome but i just wanna mention it again here. He’s just that awesome. We dont always learn about inorganic chemistry but also many things related to everything. Today’ higlight was about history. There is  no histories that 100% accurate they all depend on who and where they come from. They depend on who write them or in other words depend on who rules the authority. Like the famous joko tingkir’ stories which based on someone’ dissertation it’s merely a story which was made to cover an ugly fact about a king’ daughter getting pregnant before marriage. If i didnt take this man’ class i wouldnt ever know that there’ other perspecrtives abt this famous and  legendary stories.

In the evening i went to enpire XXI to watch 99 cahaya di langit eropa. The movie is GOOD. I didnt have any expectation for it bcs i havent read its book. But i got some reviews from some friends who already watched it  and they are not that nice hurrr. But after watching it i think good/bad is forever personal preference. Messages about islam which loves peace and full with tolerantion and understanding is delivered in nice way. The view that the movie presenting is superb. I wanna cry while watching it. Huhuhu.
After watching we (I and uyun, uli and firoh) went to find something to eat. Padamana fried rice was chosen as the place. Ordered a jumbo one and a glass of hot tea. I was full.
After that we went back to kosan.
And here i am writing it at 10.45 pm which less than 2 hours away from the day i was born. I am getting old. Le sigh. And it’s raining hard.

Last but not least i just wanna say i had a good day today. No gloomy nor worried feelings that have been following me for the past few weeks. Alhamdulillah.

H-2 of the day and H-12 of exam

I woke up late this morning. I had advanced inorganic class at 07.30 am but i woke up at 07.00 am and amazingly i didnt try to do anything faster, it was like i didnt have anything waiting for me when in fact i did. Fortunately i arrived at the class before my lecturer did. I think it is bcs somehow when i was on my way to uni i speed of my walking speed. i am glad i did it bcs it seems like i still have some consciousness over my study, i dont want to arrive late, but maybe again it’s bcs of the lecturer itself. He’s smart, funny, and knows how to teach. Always anticipating his class.

Things that i realized when this lecturer of mine was giving his lecture was how amazingly wonderful chemistry is. it’s amazing how chemistry can do wonder to human’s life bcs practically everything in this universe is chemistry itself. At that moment i was like ‘wow i actually learn this subject’ and i am proud of it. it’s a subject that does bring human to 123456789 step away from any form of primitivity. Then again i still wonder why havent i found any interest in the subject? it looks like im enjoying the subject as a viewer only not as a person who does it. the next question is forever why. WHY?

Time flies as always

oh yeah and i just realized it’s 17th december meaning only very few days left for me before entering the 3rd decade of my life. i’ve barely paid attention to dates and suddenly it’s coming. i am getting older yet i’ve nothing significant to show to the world, at least my world. still crawling and struggling to find where i belong. hopefully next year i can achieve something significant, something worthy to be proud of. Whatever it is.

a confused confession

i dont know why but it seems like lately, most of the time i feel somewhat confused, uncertain with many things in my life. It seems like i dont know what i am doing with my life anymore and if i put it that way the correct sentence must be i dont understand everything happening around me. i am not sure with the path i am taking, why did i agree to continue my study in the field where i know i have never any interested in? why? even when i know the answer it’s just to much to bear right now. i want to tell myself that if i just try harder everything will be okay, i will be able to put away negative thoughts but it’s just toooooooooo hard right now. maybe again it has to do with the fact that i still want to pursue the aus scholarship. idk T____________T and the saddest thing will be when the exam’s result is out. i know my result wont be good and thats mean i am going to disappointed my parents. It’s always been hard if you do something bcs you just want to please other persons not bcs you want to do it. Then again i just want to be good daughter for my parents, a daughter that they can be proud of. why it is so hard to do. i dont know whether i am on the right path or not and my uncertainty also doesnt help me at all. and the real problem is i cant get out from this situation. everything is blur and uncertain. shuld i continue my journey in this path or try to chose another one? i want to chose the latter but it’s too late to do so and i’ll be stuck here with the confuse feeling. i hope it wont last forever.

on the other hand, I feel lonely easily in the crowded places. I feel i dont have friends which i myself want to disagree with that statement coming from my mouth bcs in fact i have friends that i know will listen to whatever i say, but i just dont feel like talking. that it is. i am scared that i am in the middle of making myself an introvert, keeping all things by myself, refusing to talk whats on my mind. but maybe again it’s bcs i myself dont understand whats really going on my mind or i just dont know how to let it out? hopefully by writing it down will help me stay away from anything causing mental diseases bcs thats the last thing i want to happen to myself.