a confused confession

i dont know why but it seems like lately, most of the time i feel somewhat confused, uncertain with many things in my life. It seems like i dont know what i am doing with my life anymore and if i put it that way the correct sentence must be i dont understand everything happening around me. i am not sure with the path i am taking, why did i agree to continue my study in the field where i know i have never any interested in? why? even when i know the answer it’s just to much to bear right now. i want to tell myself that if i just try harder everything will be okay, i will be able to put away negative thoughts but it’s just toooooooooo hard right now. maybe again it has to do with the fact that i still want to pursue the aus scholarship. idk T____________T and the saddest thing will be when the exam’s result is out. i know my result wont be good and thats mean i am going to disappointed my parents. It’s always been hard if you do something bcs you just want to please other persons not bcs you want to do it. Then again i just want to be good daughter for my parents, a daughter that they can be proud of. why it is so hard to do. i dont know whether i am on the right path or not and my uncertainty also doesnt help me at all. and the real problem is i cant get out from this situation. everything is blur and uncertain. shuld i continue my journey in this path or try to chose another one? i want to chose the latter but it’s too late to do so and i’ll be stuck here with the confuse feeling. i hope it wont last forever.

on the other hand, I feel lonely easily in the crowded places. I feel i dont have friends which i myself want to disagree with that statement coming from my mouth bcs in fact i have friends that i know will listen to whatever i say, but i just dont feel like talking. that it is. i am scared that i am in the middle of making myself an introvert, keeping all things by myself, refusing to talk whats on my mind. but maybe again it’s bcs i myself dont understand whats really going on my mind or i just dont know how to let it out? hopefully by writing it down will help me stay away from anything causing mental diseases bcs thats the last thing i want to happen to myself.

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