the importance of conversation

I dont know if I chose the correct word to describe what I want to say. Given my limited english vocabularies, I am very much aware that the possibilities are high.

I have been feeling so down since I came back from Sydney. I am not always down, of course. There are times I feel perfectly fine, or even extremely happy because I am home. But still, the down moments that have been with me since January, sometimes, are just too hard to ignore.

I have been thinking, why? what happened? what went wrong?

I have been feeling I am treated unfairly. I feel I have no one I can talk too. I feel friend-less. I feel lonely. When people can come to me, talk freely about their problems, who should I go to when I have enough with all this BS?

You know, listening to people’s complaints and their reasoning behind their complaints and their justification of what they say and do, it is overwhelming! Have they never thought about how I feel listening about their complaints? When the one that they complaint about is someone who is really precious to me? It’s suffocating, having to listen and witness but cant do shit because I just simply cant. because it is not something I am expected to do. Because my task is only to listen. How is it fair?

I keep thinking all this moth, why? even though I was told the reason why, I just cant comprehend it. I keep thinking why all these things keep happening in my life? I am so tired, that some times I feel like leaving home for good. Finding my own place, away from all this burden I keep carry on.

As hard as I tried to think, I just couldnt find the answer until this this evening. And the answer is we dont talk. No one talk in this house. Everybody pretend everything will be okay as time pass by. I dont know if we just really “pretend” or if we actually dont care or we think it is not a big deal. Everyone including me is so used to this way of life that we dont realize this has been eating us slowly inside. I think all of us have enough. But still we dont speak. We dont communicate our problem. And it is destroying us. And I feel like I am the only one in this house who knows too much thing I shouldn’t have known. I am the only one who have to understand everything because I am fucking the oldest. While I understand this, I still think it is unfair for me.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.

If we can just talk, not trying to brush of every problem happening in this house, life would be so much easier for all of us. If only.