the importance of conversation

I dont know if I chose the correct word to describe what I want to say. Given my limited english vocabularies, I am very much aware that the possibilities are high.

I have been feeling so down since I came back from Sydney. I am not always down, of course. There are times I feel perfectly fine, or even extremely happy because I am home. But still, the down moments that have been with me since January, sometimes, are just too hard to ignore.

I have been thinking, why? what happened? what went wrong?

I have been feeling I am treated unfairly. I feel I have no one I can talk too. I feel friend-less. I feel lonely. When people can come to me, talk freely about their problems, who should I go to when I have enough with all this BS?

You know, listening to people’s complaints and their reasoning behind their complaints and their justification of what they say and do, it is overwhelming! Have they never thought about how I feel listening about their complaints? When the one that they complaint about is someone who is really precious to me? It’s suffocating, having to listen and witness but cant do shit because I just simply cant. because it is not something I am expected to do. Because my task is only to listen. How is it fair?

I keep thinking all this moth, why? even though I was told the reason why, I just cant comprehend it. I keep thinking why all these things keep happening in my life? I am so tired, that some times I feel like leaving home for good. Finding my own place, away from all this burden I keep carry on.

As hard as I tried to think, I just couldnt find the answer until this this evening. And the answer is we dont talk. No one talk in this house. Everybody pretend everything will be okay as time pass by. I dont know if we just really “pretend” or if we actually dont care or we think it is not a big deal. Everyone including me is so used to this way of life that we dont realize this has been eating us slowly inside. I think all of us have enough. But still we dont speak. We dont communicate our problem. And it is destroying us. And I feel like I am the only one in this house who knows too much thing I shouldn’t have known. I am the only one who have to understand everything because I am fucking the oldest. While I understand this, I still think it is unfair for me.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.

If we can just talk, not trying to brush of every problem happening in this house, life would be so much easier for all of us. If only.

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H-17 of another big day

Yes, it is less than 3 weeks!! May 25th is only 17 days away~~ YAY and NO at the same time. Hulll!!!

I feel like shouting ‘Sydney I am comiiiiiiiiiiiiiiingggggg’ yet i dont want to say “See you again Lombok’

I am beyond excited to finally see other parts of the world yet i am scared as hell to leave my comfort zone here

I cant wait to live independently yet I feel uneasy leaving all the support i always get from my families and friends here

I am so looking forward to meet new faces from all over the world yet i am afraid to leave my friends and families here

I know i am not stupid but i also realize that i am not that bright

I want to prove that i have a right to be there yet i dont have a faith that i am good enough to stand there

I know i can cope up with anything, I do, but still I am afraid I will fail

 

 

 

 

What should be the appropriate title?

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just got back from uni and idk why, maybe it’s because of the silence that fills my boarding house or the rain poring down watering the earth, maybe it’s the combination of the silence and rain but i feel so lonely. yes i feel really really lonely realizing the fact that today is the last day of the year. all i wanna do is be home with my family, spending the night with them even if we do nothing. i just want to feel their presence. i wanna be at home badly. i never knew i could miss home badly like this 😦

and yes today is the last day of the year yet here i am sitting realizing that this year is the same as all those years before. i havent achieved and accomplished anything worthy to show to the world. it’s frustrating really.i dont understand what i have done throughout this year and be here today still with nothing in my hand. seems like i waste too many time for unimportant things  that i dont even know they are not worthy my time. wow.

and to be honest im scared for what new year will bring me. i have prepared nothing yet i still have to face everything, most of people seems excited to welcome 2014, but i am not. i dont feel like leaving this year yet. why cant it be prolonged even just for a day? i am not ready to face 2014 and i dont want this year end yet 😦

 

but we’re leaving 2013 and i can do nothing about it…..

 

hopefully everything i’ve planned for 2014 can run well especially coming home plane.

 

hopefully..

 

and even i dont want to but i have to….

 

Welcome 2014, i may not ready yet to meet you but i’ll definitely face you bravely 🙂

Shopping

So basically today, i spent the whole day for shopping wohooo~~ i wanted to gift myself since no one got me birthday present lol (it’s not like i hoped someone will do haha) so i went to malioboro with uyun after we had what we called ‘jogging’ at gsp lol bcs in reality all we did was walking a lil faster while we were gossipping chatting. It wasnt jogging ofc i know 😀 but the fact that i was willing to left my bed early in the morning is something that need to be apreciated if the jogging attempt failed to be one
Continue reading “Shopping”

Finally Borobudur Temple!!

I like travelling, wait no, i love travelling i really really DO 🙂 It has always been my pleasure seeing and visiting new places wherever they are. Maybe the ‘travelling’ term is not a correct term to use in this post since based on my own definition travelling is more like moving from one place to others for quite some times? or at least it takes you more than one day and you visit many places at the time? no? nah i may sound ignorant, maybe i should find my oxford dictionary to find the correct meaning of travelling. And in this post what i am going to write is basically about a half day trip to Magelang to visit Borobudur Temple which used to be one of the world’ seven wonders.

So last saturday my lecturer in university asked me through my friend to join her little trip to the temple for our college days have not started. So why not? Me and my friends ofc said YES!! We havent gone there LOL so why not grab the chance?? I knew the trip was going to be fun with the ‘old’ friends and acquaintances from my previous uni to join and plus we didnt have to pay for transportation fee. It was free!! We used our lecturer’s car. She brought it from Lombok btw kkk

It took us about 1,5 hours to arrive at the temple. We left at around 8 am from Yogya so it was around almost 11 am we arrived there. Just when the car stopped at the parking area, some merchant sellers immediately swarming the car persuading us to buy their stuffs. It was kinda annoying tbh but idk? they were just trying to get money so they have something to eat at their houses. lol whatever idk. But finally i bought a hat for IDR 25.000 because it was hot like crazy there. And to think that i havent visited Perambanan Temple, i thought that the hat would be some kind of investment, i mean i dont need to buy one when i go to Prambanan later XD

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it’s the hat it’s cute isnt it? XD

So yeah after buying our entrance tickets which costs IDR 30.000 we directly went to the main temple. Here is some pictures i took yesterday. FYI i failed to get the full view of the temple bcs (once again) it was darn HOT!! So i was too lazy to stroll around the park surrounding the temple. And it was also very crowded at the top of the temple yeah since yesterday was sunday therefore (more excuses :p) i barely got nice pictures of the temple (not to mention my suck photographing skills LOL)

So here you go

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the sky was so clear yesterday and you can see the crowd right?

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actually and of course i have more lol but i dont think the remaining ones are presentable enough to be seen so thats it!!

I relly enjoyed my little trip yesterday. Hopefully i can visit more amazing places in the future which also hopefully not also in Indonesia but also in other countries 🙂

See ya~~!!

NB: all pictures are mine taken by my samsung ^^

Some things do not happen when you expect them to happen

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i have been waiting for dad’s call since two days ago, but as you can guess very veryyy correctly up to this sec i have got none LOL. It’s kinda odd of not getting his call since i usually got at least one everyday before. 

The funny thing is i am waiting his call because i kinda run out of money and it would be weird if i make call first to only ask for money. i maintain my pride high even when i am in crucial condition LOL. Well thats what im doing but for now im not at that crucial point yet. I was just explaining why i am like this. so yeah.

Guess what?? Of course i do feel bad about this bcs usually i dont really pay attention when he calls me since it is part of our routines. But now tadaaaaaa lol

I know i am such a bad kid LOLL

Homesick

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i really really miss my home. It has never been this tough and never know it’s this hard. I miss everything like really really EVERYTHING there, the people, mom, lil sists and bro, and aunt, the feeling being there, the cooks, and i even miss the street and neighbors in front of my house. 

When dad left for bogor last week i did not know it would be i like this bcs based on the pare experiences this should not have been THIS hard. Then i realize it’s because i dont have anyone with here. when i was in pare i made friends quickly but it’s not like that here. and it’s suffocating me. i just wanna go home :[