Yes, the title says it all!
Today I went to a jail for the first time. I have been passing that building since forever, but never I thought that I actually would step my foot on there.
The feeling was surreal as I went there to do something I’ve never imagined before. I mean I have always been curious how jail in real life looks like. I’ve been seeing enough from movies, dramas, and news how a jail looks like. But still, I need to experience it by myself to satisfy my curiosity and today I got it. Nonetheless, I never really thought that I would get a chance to come to a real jail.
Happy? I do not know
Sad? Yes. It is my family member after all. How could I not be sad?
I almost feel like life is cruel eventho I know better that I should not have that kind of thought . But the past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me and then this month I got this kind of surprise. Like I am still thinking, is this for real? How could this be real? just HOW?
I wanna cry, scream and talk. But as always I end up being mute. I am tired.
I think I need pillows.
Being almost half way to 50 has taught me various things about life. One of them is who is your real friend? There is this quote saying that when you were in Elementary-high school you had many people you considered best friends. But then as you grow older, only few left. This quote is a truth.
I know we grow up. I know we chose different path of life. I know nothing last forever. But it is just sad thinking about all good days we used to share but now we cant even hold a decent conversations. It is sad when you realized you cant even tell your best friend about how you feel, for you start to think they are not interested in what happens in your life anymore. Or worse because you think they dont care anymore. Or because they dont even want to share whats going on in their life, making you realize that you are not as important as you used to be. Thus, at the end of the day, I wonder what are they now? are they still my best friends or just a friend? I also wonder what I am to them now? I wonder about how they think of me? Because in the last few months I have realized that some of them dont think of me as important as how I think of them.
In which category our friendship belongs to now?
Went to uni with slightly better mood this morning therefore the physical chemistry’ class was quite okay meaning i kinda got what the the presentations were about (our class had been divided into 2 groups to present 2 different chapters, this morning was the others group’ turn, mine had finised the presentation last week) even though i havent fully grab all of the materials yet but i think i can catch up with the rest after reading our reference books.
In the afternoon i had another advanced inorganic chemistry class. The class has always been fun. I know i have mentioned it before that the lecture is awesome but i just wanna mention it again here. He’s just that awesome. We dont always learn about inorganic chemistry but also many things related to everything. Today’ higlight was about history. There is no histories that 100% accurate they all depend on who and where they come from. They depend on who write them or in other words depend on who rules the authority. Like the famous joko tingkir’ stories which based on someone’ dissertation it’s merely a story which was made to cover an ugly fact about a king’ daughter getting pregnant before marriage. If i didnt take this man’ class i wouldnt ever know that there’ other perspecrtives abt this famous and legendary stories.
In the evening i went to enpire XXI to watch 99 cahaya di langit eropa. The movie is GOOD. I didnt have any expectation for it bcs i havent read its book. But i got some reviews from some friends who already watched it and they are not that nice hurrr. But after watching it i think good/bad is forever personal preference. Messages about islam which loves peace and full with tolerantion and understanding is delivered in nice way. The view that the movie presenting is superb. I wanna cry while watching it. Huhuhu.
After watching we (I and uyun, uli and firoh) went to find something to eat. Padamana fried rice was chosen as the place. Ordered a jumbo one and a glass of hot tea. I was full.
After that we went back to kosan.
And here i am writing it at 10.45 pm which less than 2 hours away from the day i was born. I am getting old. Le sigh. And it’s raining hard.
Last but not least i just wanna say i had a good day today. No gloomy nor worried feelings that have been following me for the past few weeks. Alhamdulillah.
i dont know why but it seems like lately, most of the time i feel somewhat confused, uncertain with many things in my life. It seems like i dont know what i am doing with my life anymore and if i put it that way the correct sentence must be i dont understand everything happening around me. i am not sure with the path i am taking, why did i agree to continue my study in the field where i know i have never any interested in? why? even when i know the answer it’s just to much to bear right now. i want to tell myself that if i just try harder everything will be okay, i will be able to put away negative thoughts but it’s just toooooooooo hard right now. maybe again it has to do with the fact that i still want to pursue the aus scholarship. idk T____________T and the saddest thing will be when the exam’s result is out. i know my result wont be good and thats mean i am going to disappointed my parents. It’s always been hard if you do something bcs you just want to please other persons not bcs you want to do it. Then again i just want to be good daughter for my parents, a daughter that they can be proud of. why it is so hard to do. i dont know whether i am on the right path or not and my uncertainty also doesnt help me at all. and the real problem is i cant get out from this situation. everything is blur and uncertain. shuld i continue my journey in this path or try to chose another one? i want to chose the latter but it’s too late to do so and i’ll be stuck here with the confuse feeling. i hope it wont last forever.
on the other hand, I feel lonely easily in the crowded places. I feel i dont have friends which i myself want to disagree with that statement coming from my mouth bcs in fact i have friends that i know will listen to whatever i say, but i just dont feel like talking. that it is. i am scared that i am in the middle of making myself an introvert, keeping all things by myself, refusing to talk whats on my mind. but maybe again it’s bcs i myself dont understand whats really going on my mind or i just dont know how to let it out? hopefully by writing it down will help me stay away from anything causing mental diseases bcs thats the last thing i want to happen to myself.
i have been waiting for dad’s call since two days ago, but as you can guess very veryyy correctly up to this sec i have got none LOL. It’s kinda odd of not getting his call since i usually got at least one everyday before.
The funny thing is i am waiting his call because i kinda run out of money and it would be weird if i make call first to only ask for money. i maintain my pride high even when i am in crucial condition LOL. Well thats what im doing but for now im not at that crucial point yet. I was just explaining why i am like this. so yeah.
Guess what?? Of course i do feel bad about this bcs usually i dont really pay attention when he calls me since it is part of our routines. But now tadaaaaaa lol
I know i am such a bad kid LOLL