First time going to jail

Yes, the title says it all!

Today I went to a jail for the first time. I have been passing that building since forever, but never I thought that I actually would step my foot on there.

The feeling was surreal as I went there to do something I’ve never imagined before. I mean I have always been curious how jail in real life looks like. I’ve been seeing enough from movies, dramas, and news how a jail looks like. But still, I need to experience it by myself to satisfy my curiosity and today I got it. Nonetheless, I never really thought that I would get a chance to come to a real jail.

Surprise? No.

Happy? I do not know

Sad? Yes. It is my family member after all. How could I not be sad?

I almost feel like life is cruel eventho I know better that I should not have that kind of thought . But the past few months have been an emotional roller coaster for me and then this month I got this kind of surprise. Like I am still thinking, is this for real? How could this be real? just HOW?

I wanna cry, scream and talk. But as always I end up being mute. I am tired.

I think I need pillows.

 

 

 

How

Idk what to feel. I should have been grateful for everything i have got. It’s wrong to be greedy it’s beyond wrong. I know. But only know doesnt make what i feel better.
It’s like not knowing how to be grateful. I do know but still T____T
I wish i had chance even only one more. I wish i didnt take this scholarship. I wish i tried harder last year. I wish i got it last year. I wish i could back off from this one. I wish i didnt have to pay the fine. I wish i liked this subject more. I wish everything could happen the way i want them to happen T____T
But no. Life doesnt work that way. I could have thousand if-s but those if-s are not going to change anything. I know.. But it still hurts. It hurts so bad that i dont even know how to let it out from my chest.
Tbh i dont know which one i regret more, the chance im not going to take (or im letting go?) or the fact that all of this happen bcs of my stupidity or the fact that i didnt try harder or the fact that im going to dissappoint some people who have been there supporting me from the beginning or the fact that i cant accept that this is happening to me.

I always wondering when we should let something go or when we have to try harder to chase it? Sometimes it just feels right to give it up but after some times i feel like i shouldnt have given up on it. So how? As for this moment it feels so wrong to give up when im sure im going to get it this time. What should i do? Bcs persuing it doesnt going to make anything easier and better. But im 100% sure with what i believe. Im going to get it but getting it will cause more trouble.

Maybe all i need is just embracing the fact that im not going to get it. Maybe it will make everything easier for me. Maybe.

Homesick

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i really really miss my home. It has never been this tough and never know it’s this hard. I miss everything like really really EVERYTHING there, the people, mom, lil sists and bro, and aunt, the feeling being there, the cooks, and i even miss the street and neighbors in front of my house. 

When dad left for bogor last week i did not know it would be i like this bcs based on the pare experiences this should not have been THIS hard. Then i realize it’s because i dont have anyone with here. when i was in pare i made friends quickly but it’s not like that here. and it’s suffocating me. i just wanna go home :[

 

Where am i supposed to be?

Today is my cousin’ wedding. I hv been here in lotim since yesterday, Family suppose to support each other thats why. When we arrived in lotim we went straight to his house bcs mom couldnt handle longer trip, she stayed there but i, my lil sis n bro, n dad had decided  to stay over at dad’ family’ house in salut. Glad we chose to stay in salut bcs this morning when we met mom, mom told us she couldnt sleep at all last night, too noisy, to many activities done by maybe almost the entire family. I feel so sorry to mom bcs all she needs is only enough rest after such travle for her. But at the same time i cant blame anyone since we have always known this kind of situation is bound to happen no mattet what.

I arrived at around 8 am this morning. And since my aunt is kinda a country-type person she did all things by herself including cooking the dishes for the party celebration. So as a kind hearted human being ofc i lend my hand to help. All family members work together to help her preparing the ceremony.

And thats when somehow i really really realize that i dont really enjoy surrounded by my own family. I feel like an outsider. I barely meet them in fact this is my first visit since last year. It has always been like this. I went to lotim only couple of times when i was a kid. But thats a quite good record since when i am growing older my visit is getting lesser each year. Maybe thats when all of this started. We are growing apart n seems like not any of us are willing to pull any effort to fix this. Maybe i am right but maybe i am wrong. I dont know.
When i sit with them i felt like i am invisible to them. I dont know what they were talking about n they also talked like i wasnt with them. When some other cousins of mine came, this idk-who-is-her-name-aunt definitely treat her differently from me. Maybe she is her fav idek. It’s not like i care if people like me or not but it’s the way she had treat me. Hadnt she side eying me when i said idk when i answer her question, i will definitely not give any shit. I am not really sure what she asked me about, i think it’s about family matters. Idk man she asked me with our local language which sadly im not really fluent with. Yeah maybe thats why, she might think im rude or i dont respect families member as much as i should. Idk.

Maybe thats only my imagination but at the same time those things felt so real. And this kind of thing doesnt happen only once. Whenever i m with them i always want to run away. And to be honest this is why i ve never really expected any form of family gatherings. They are always like this.

I dont know i really really dont know. The right thing to do must be to try to fix this. And instead of waiting someone to change this for me maybe i should be the one to make the first move. But idk!! Maybe the real problem is really me? I feel like i dont care anymore
i dont feel like to fix it. I always like ‘i’ll be here for a couple of days/hours i can survive n i dont need to meet them for a long time’. I know that kind of thought is beyond wrong. But thats whats happening to me.

I may regret this bratty attitude of mine latter. Well idk. I just know that at the moment i feel like i dont belong to this circle, i am not supposed to be here.

As wrong as it sounds thats what i am feeling at the moment.

Dearest Indri’s Birthday

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So………….. this is our second fail attempt to celebrate (?) your birthday. From the deepest part of our heart we’re really sorry that we made you listened to our sweet and melodic voices last night wkwkkwk.

jadi sebenernya kita g punya banyak hadiah (lebih tepatnya g ada sama sekali) kecuali a beautiful poem written by mput ^^ (nb: percayalah ini puisi yg katanya dibikin atas dasar paksaan dan takut dosa karena takut bohong di bulan puasa ini bener2 baguuus bgt. yah karena pada dasarnya mput emang gombal si ya? jadi sebenarnya ndi sadarlah (kalo blum) klo mput tu cinta mati bgt ama k(ita)amu haha)

Dear ondrow
Dear ondrow
Bodymu emang kecil tapi ga mungil
Bibirmu mungil tapi soundnya temenan sama TOA masjid
Ondrow sayong tahukah kau?

Pasti ga taukan?
Sama gw juga ga tw?
Intinya sungguh sulit untuk mencari inspirasi apa buat puisi ini…
Sesungguhnya gw ga mw buat dosa *plaked*

By: siput

~~

Dear ndee, anchovy’s wife(?)

Happy millad darl 🙂

Barokah buat usianya…buat hidupnya..:)

Bagaimana dan siapa kamu dulu, sekarang dan nantinya
Be your self darl 🙂

~~

Mungkin doa kami sangad klise dan standar : ) tapi percayalah hati kami begtu special saat melantunkannya #eaaa

~
Ya Allah jadikanlah saudari kami menjadi hamba pilihanmu
Yang kelak menjadi tamu isitimewah saat ia kau berikan rumah terbaik disalah satu surga-Mu

Ya Allah karuniakanlah saudari kami dengan kehidupan yang luar biasa tak terbantahkan nikmat dan segalah pelajaran hidupnya agar selalu menjadi hambah yang selalu istiqomah dijalan-Mu

Ya Allah pasangkanlah ia dengan kelak yang menjadi imam hidupnya..
Seorang pria soleh sebagaimana dirinya
Seorang imam yang menjaga dan membimbingnya
Seorang laki-laki yang kecintaannya pada-Mu sangatlah besar

Ya Allah jadikanlah saudari kami anak yang mengasihi ibu dan ayah serta saudara-inya hingga akhir hayat tanpa pamrih apa pun.

Dan kuatkanlah serta jagalah hatinya agar tali silaturahmi kami tetap ada dan terjaga hingga rambut kami memutih bersama, kerutan bertambah dan ruh tak berada diraga 🙂

Amien.

happy milad ndrow 🙂
Dan minal aidin walfa’idzin mohon maaf lahir dan batin ya 🙂

From: eunsihae’s partner

Maybe what we’ve done for you is not enough, in fact it’s far from decent birthday gift but you know it’s the thought that count right? haha ((((pembelaan diri)))).

jadi HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! MAY THE YEAR AHEAD BRINGS LOTS OF HAPPINESS 😀

Grateful

Lately i’ve been feeling insecure and unsure about my life, about how i choose to deal with the path i decided to take after my failure last feb. I admit that the decision i took that month was kinda extreme. I retired from my job and stopped being private tutor for high school student bcs i felt that those thing were not for me. As for my job there’s one spesific reason that i’ve never told my parents only my close friends know the real reason. I kinda feel guilty about this. But you know there’s always thing that better left unsaid. And for the private tutor thing, i’ve always known that my passion in teaching is not that big if not almost zero. I dont know why i am like this. My father is a lecture and i know that teacher is such honorable job. But the problem is just there, my passion is not teaching.
After i decided to quit, some times between the months i regreted my decision. It was stupid, unplanned, n extremely childish i thought. I didnt think much that time and it resulted my jobless status. How cool right? I always told myself it’s not about money so it’s okay. But true it’s not about money but it has always been about my self esteem. How do you think i feel waking up every morning to only realize i have nothing waiting for me everyday? How do you think i feel when i absolutely have notjing to do when my friends are busy complaining about their work life? How do you think i feel when time for bed comes i realize that i feel tired bcs i did nothing the entire day? Only one word can describe it. HORRIBLE. That’s how i regereted what i had done.

It’s ironic how one decision can affect so many things in your life. But thats how life works. Either we accept and deal with it or keep blaming life for the misfortune we get bcs of our own deed.

But you see today while sitting in front of heart polly of general hospital in my city i realized that i’m thankful for what i decided few months back. I’m here aitting waiting for my mom doing her monthly check up. Tbh it’s not monthly check up, it’s a sudden visit to the hospital bcs sometjing in her stomach and chest, i think, that are in pain. I’m very grateful bcs if i had not choosed to quit the job i wouldnt be here to accompany my mom. And if i wasnt here who will accompany her? No one at home can do this except me. This realization really wash all.my worries abt the path i have choosed. This second i can proudly say i did make the right decision. Sure it takes some sacrifices which by the way are not cheap but im glad i choose this way. Nothing can compensate time i get with my mom esp when she really needs me.

I may not be the most thankful person in the world but today i feel reallu thankful to god for what he has given to me. Seeing my mom gets better everyday is one bless that i would never want to exchange with anything.

And today i also realize something bad is not always bad. It depends on how you see it. When we can see something good within the bad, no mattet how small that good is there’s always the difference that it can make.

what to do

To be honest i dont know where i should start this post from. A lot of things happen these past few weeks and most of them are close to unpleasant :<

I feel like i dont know what i should do with my life anymore. Everything i’ve planned before, not even one run as it should have been. The thing is when one thing didnt go well it also affected the other plans. i’m screwed totally and literally. I dont even have much time left but NONE goes well. I am upset, angry, gloomy and i just wanna scream as loud as possible. All these things feel like a domino effect, when i am upset with one thing it leads me to feel upset with the other things or you can say with my whole life.

I shouldnt have complained like this i should have take more actions to solve all this shits. But really, is it so wrong to complain with your life? i may sound like ungrateful human being, but at this moment i really cant hold back my dissapointment ;;_______;;

i feel like telling the rest of the world what i feel, but no, in fact i have no one i can tell and share these heavy feeling. im just gong to sit here pitying myself before anyone could do it to me. it sounds like a looser doing but hell i dont care at all. after all this is my problem and i know i need this to be able to get my ass up again.

i am going to get over this stupid feeling and situation. i have to.